4 ways to stop stress, instantly change your perspective, and feel better
2020 has been...interesting.
That's what my mom taught me to say when what I really want to say is something like:
scary
stressful
effed the eff up
(👆That's a great little hack, btw! The next time someone frustrates you, try saying their reaction was "interesting" instead and watch how it changes your perception of the situation.)
I don't know about you, but these past few months, I've been all over the place, emotionally.
Grateful. Worried. Loving. Sad. Peaceful. Angry.
And as much as I try to manage it...stressed.
From my years studying psychology at uni, I know that stress isn't all bad...
It can actually be a catalyst for good.
I remember a Polish psychologist called Kazimierz Dąbrowski who studied WWII survivors to learn how people recover after intense stress.
His subjects had survived bombings, lived through the Holocaust, lost family members — some of the worst things a human can endure.
Yet Dąbrowski discovered something truly wild among the survivors...
Most of them weren't drowning in trauma. They were actually happier.
…Um, come again?
(Or as they'd say here in Yorkshire, "EH??!!" (One tiny syllable so rich with meaning. 😂) )
Many survivors said the trauma they experienced gave them a sense of perspective they simply didn’t have before. And that perspective helped them enjoy their present lives more.
PERSPECTIVE makes all the difference.
And lucky for us, just like running your dishwasher overnight to save $$, there are life hacks to shift your perspective and stress less.
To help me show you, let’s explore four ways to stop stress from some of my favorite teachers.
I’m a bit of a mentor hipster so these teachers are pretty niche. You probably haven’t heard of them yet. …Which is my stealth way of saying they’re friends and family members. 😜
(Disclaimer: I’m talking about everyday stress in this post. If you’re dealing with something serious, these hacks may help but might not be sufficient for you right now. I’m def not suggesting a little perspective hack will magically cure everything; this is just what’s worked for me. 🤗 Here’s a helpful article on how to choose a psychologist, if you’d like more targeted help.)
4 ways to stop stress in its tracks
Lesson 1: You’re like, really tiny.
TEACHER: JOE PRENDERGAST
Something weird happened to my husband Joe when he turned 30, almost eerily to the day. He developed this intense interest in outer space.
We spent his 30th birthday at the Adler Planetarium, surrounded by 10-year-olds on school trips. 😂 And we’ve become the kind of people who have star-mapping apps on our phones and go to astrophysics lectures, just for funsies.
Joe’s really into the science behind it all. But for me, learning about space is more of a spiritual thing.
(It’s also one of the best ways to stop stress.)
I remember walking out of a lecture on quark soup, how our universe got its start, and feeling so infinitesimally small in this unbelievably huge, expanding universe.
It wasn’t that I felt insignificant in a my-life-is-meaningless sort of way. I felt like the pressure lifted. And it felt amazing. 🙌🏻
My friend, Tamera, once put it this way: Steve Jobs changed the face of the earth in a huge, never-gonna-be-the-same-again way. But when it comes to the universe? He didn’t even make a DENT. Not even a tiny, gnat-sized nick.
The moral here is that we’re so small. What we do, in a universal sense, really doesn’t matter. It’s honestly a miracle that we’re alive at all.
So whatever we’re worried about doesn’t hold much consequence, on a cosmic level. We might as well lighten up a little and enjoy the ride on this rock floating in an endless abyss. ✌️
HOW TO HARNESS THIS LESSON:
The next time you’re stressing about something that doesn’t really matter, (talking to you, fellow Type As,) watch this video:
And remind yourself that you’re an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini in the grand scheme of things.
Then, gently remove the pressure you’re putting on yourself and consider that maybe this isn’t such a big deal after all.
Lesson 2: Your problem (probably) doesn’t matter in the long run.
TEACHER: BILL RYAN
Whenever I called my dad, on the verge of tears, stressed about something to do with school / work / life, he’d ask me this question: “Is this going to matter a year from now?”
Apart from a handful of times, the answer was always “no.” And that perspective has helped me a lot over the years.
I remember when a stranger yelled at me once on Instagram…
I’d shared her photo and though I credited and tagged her (which I thought was what you’re supposed to do,) she was still pissed I didn’t ask her first.
My knee-jerk reaction was to feel embarrassed. And then angry. I’m super sensitive to rejection so this felt like a swift punch to the gut.
I felt myself getting worked up and then thought, “Wait. A year from now, this won’t even register as a blip on the radar.” Knowing it wouldn’t affect the overall mosaic of my year (much less my life) made it easier to issue a quick apology, and move on.
Asking this simple question helps you decipher between what’s just a momentary blip that only feels like a big deal, and what’s actually worth your energy in addressing.
HOW TO HARNESS THIS LESSON:
The next time you’re stressed, worried, or upset about something, ask yourself the question: “Will this matter a year from now?”
If the answer is “no,” cool. Enjoy the fact that this problem won’t drastically change your life. Proceed with ease.
If it’s a “yes,” take a deep breath. Now you know it’s important enough to give the issue your time and energy. (Lesson #4 can help with this.)
Lesson 3: We’re all gonna die soon. (But in a good way.)
TEACHER: SUSIE MOORE
Sorry if this one is jarring. But thinking about mortality is the best way I know to bring what’s really important into sharp, stunning focus.
I’ve heard Susie mention this on numerous occasions when she embarks on something scary in her life. She actually has a cemetery as her phone’s screensaver to remind her that our time is limited…so we shouldn’t waste it stressing about stupid stuff.
The ancient Greeks did something similar in their practice of Memento Mori, reflecting on death. Buddhists meditate on death too, as a way to remember the preciousness of life and remove fear around mortality.
The practice also stokes great compassion. From tricycle.org:
In the Dhammapada, another great teaching of the Buddha, it is said that people would never fight or argue if they fully realized they were going to die. As we contemplate death, we can also learn compassion for our enemies. We see that we are all comrades. It softens the heart when we recognize that we all have the same fate.
Life has a funny way of making even the smallest stakes seem incredibly high. Reminding ourselves of the short-n-sweetness of life helps put things into stark perspective.
HOW TO HARNESS THIS LESSON:
There’s a quote by Mary Oliver that’s both beautiful and, admittedly, a little hard to read sometimes because of how close it hits to home.
“Listen—are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?”
The next time you’re on the verge of a scary decision or a difficult situation, remind yourself that none of us know how long we have left. Think about what you truly want to do with the time you’ve been given.
For me, this practice makes scary things less scary, beautiful things more beautiful, and important things more important. It’s a quick way to get a dose of perspective when I get worried about insignificant stuff.
Lesson 4: This is happening for you.
TEACHER: LINDA RYAN
I don’t know if everything actually happens for a reason. Jury’s still out on that one.
But when I believe everything happens for a reason, it makes me a happier person.
My mom lives life as if everything is happening for you, not to you — that the events in your life are there to shape you into the person you’re meant to become. I find this outlook so, so helpful.
When I look at challenges, setbacks, or even tragedies as holding a lesson or being formational, they become a lot easier to deal with.
Here’s a pretty crazy example from my life:
Father’s Day, 1987: New Jersey, USA.
It was my dad’s first-ever father’s day and he was cradling three-month-old baby me in his arms, walking down the stairs to a bevy of waiting family members, treasuring this special moment.
Can you picture it?
Now, imagine that beaming-with-pride new dad slipping on the polished wood stairs…
…Losing his balance…
…And dropping that precious little baby down the stairs.
I broke my leg and needed a full-body cast for two months.
On the surface, that’s a pretty horrific thing to happen to two brand new parents, right? But there was so much goodness deeper down…
During my two months in a body cast, my Grandma Honey (mom’s mom) moved in to help my parents. My mom had two months of rich, quality time with her mother, in a way that most adults don’t get to experience. I got two months of near-constant love from my grandmother.
One week after my cast came off and Grandma Honey moved out again, she had a heart attack and passed away. Suddenly, quickly, completely.
My mom says that although she was devastated by losing her mom, she was also overwhelmed with gratitude for their time together. And that time was all due to a seemingly “horrific” thing, my broken leg.
Remembering what we’re grateful for reframes our perspectives. Dąbrowski’s subjects felt happier because it was easy to feel grateful for what they had, after experiencing trauma.
Gratitude is linked to greater enthusiasm, more energy, less anxiety and depression, and even less physical pain. Finding the good in a situation, or even just trusting that good will come out of it someday, helps us tap into this powerful effect.
HOW TO HARNESS THIS LESSON:
The next time you’re in a funk, try to consider that this might be happening for you.
If you can open your mind just a crack, just enough to consider that perhaps something good will come out of this or it’s what you need to become the person you’re meant to be, hard things can be a lot easier to bear.
I found this video of Prince William quite inspiring, the idea that a hard event can either break you or it can make you:
One of the best ways to stop stress is to simply change your perspective.
And luckily, you don’t have to go through trauma like Dąbrowski’s subjects to experience a fresh dose of perspective. It’s entirely within your control to look at life differently right in this moment.
The next time you’re stuck in a stressful rut, pick one of these strategies and give it a try. I bet at least one will help you hack your perspective to a better one.
